Our Platform
- ANTI-VOLCANOS
- When the devil gets mad they blow up!
- ANTI-VOLCANO-MONITORING
- This new stimulus bill includes something called "volcano" "monitoring." Some bureaucrat's gonna know when Uncle Beelzebub's in a mood? Well boy howdy, we sure don't think so!!!
- WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THE BEES?!?
- Our daddy always told us that bees were God's way of showing us he hated witches. We think it's high time someone investigated the bee-dieoff/witch connection!
- OUR ENERGY PLAN
- We think it's time American stop sending their money overseas to buy the fossil fuels of those who would do us harm, and start investing in God's alternative energy: fire.
- ANTI-TRILLION-DOLLAR SPENDING
- Down here, we have a litle saying: don't trust a man who tries to spend more than he can count. C'mon folks, don't kid a kidder. Who can even count to a trillion?!?!?
- PRO-MATHEMATICS RESEARCH
- The sooner we can prove "a trillion" doesn't exist, the sooner we can show that these liberal spending bills just plain don't make common sense!
- PROMOTING A BIRD-OWNERSHIP SOCIETY
- Since we were coming up on our pappy's knee, we've known that the anxious twitter of the family bird was the best way to know when demons were afoot.
- ANTI-HIGH-SPEED RAIL
- We have a slower pace of life down here, and we get madder than a bag of cut snakes when these bureaucrats come in with their death trains. Last time we saw a "magnetic levitation," it was our college girlfriend floating above her daggum bed when the Devil (see below) got in her. That doesn't sound like the kind of train hardworking Americans need.
- ANTI-DEVIL
- Ol' Scratch, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Granpappy Mephistopheles: call him what you like, but we sure don't like him!
- SEA SERPENT RESEARCH
- How many more lives must be lost?!?
- OUR HEALTH CARE PLAN
- We believe all Americans should be able to pay for the best medical care they can afford or, conversely, barter for health care on a moonshine-for-leeches-type system.
- MMM, POPOVERS
- They're so gosh darn delicious!
- AFRAID OF SNAKES
- It's spooky how they wiggle!!!
Did you enjoy this? So much that you want to wear it on your person? Step right this way!
